By then our feelings are so obvious to us that we don't think they're worth mentioning. This lack of vocabulary can make other people feel incredibly insecure. Affectionate words go a long way for many, especially Feelers, who need verbal encouragement to feel good about the relationship. So grit your teeth and whisper those sweet nothings if you want your partner to know that you care.
The old adage, "show, don't tell," is crucial to nailing romance. You might think that chivalry is demeaning, but your date or partner requires action that comes from the heart. You don't have to drape your cloak over a puddle, but a little hand-holding, cheek kissing or breakfast in bed can make all the difference. INTJs are the least likely of all the personality types to remember sentimental events such as birthdays and holidays because we don't see the point of these traditions. As we are repeatedly shot down, we come to recognize that celebrations are, in fact, relevant to the rest of the world.
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So for goodness sake, remember your anniversary. And book a table on Valentine's Day. INTJs notoriously approach dating the way they approach most situations - with a game plan. Rather than falling head over heels for the nearest warm body, we construct a well-defined image of our ideal partner, break the dating process down into a series of actionable milestones, then proceed to execute the plan with laser-sharp focus. Strategy in place, we're ready to woo.
Five Relationship Tips for INTJ Personality Types
Shockingly, other people may not fall in line with this system. Partners and dates want to know they are attractive, respected and loved for who they are without all the wrangling, controlling and mind games. Painful as it is, you've got to play with the other person, not manipulate them like pawns on a chessboard. INTJs famously require a mate of the mind - someone clever, preferably genius, and independent enough to stand up to the INTJ's formidable intellect.
Most INTJs will figure out very quickly whether someone makes the grade. If not, the INTJ will waste no time on further courtship. We are through with the interloper. We will not look back. To make a fair assessment, an INTJ typically will bombard their date with the "big" questions. And by big, I mean the sort of complex, probing, no-stone-left-unturned questions you get asked at an interview.
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We think we are nailing down our date's personality and suitability this way. In fact, we're killing the buzz 90 percent of the time. Ask your date what kind of music they like movies, books, food.
Everyone has an opinion on these subjects. Your date won't feel stressed talking about their favorite meal. If your date is a poor conversationalist or displays terribly bad taste, cut your losses. But if the conversation naturally veers off at a tangent and throws up all sorts of delicious morsels, then you've probably struck gold. And you didn't even ask your date about their life goals.
INTJ's score high on the Judging scale, which means they like to have things decided. However, this only occurs when we've made up our minds. Until then, we are flexible and open to new information. This is a problem, because we have a tendency to spend a ridiculous amount of time studying the ins and outs of relationships - knotty issues like our feelings, whether the flames of passion are burning, and the significance of it all. Intimacy can burn rather slowly until we've sorted everything out. By then, the object of our affection will have lost interest. So hurry it up already. In a cautious world, seizing the moment is undeniably romantic and sexy.
If you want to destroy romance, be sure to think of yourself as smarter, more intuitive, more conscientious, more rational and more important than your date. Cross examine them and challenge their assumptions. Always strive to be right, even if it crushes your significant other.
Don't worry about the personal cost of your attitude, and never give anyone a break. INTJs are known for plain-speaking. We say what's on our minds. We are blunt and unrelenting critics. We tell our partners where they've gone wrong and we fix false assumptions. Who cares about the touchy-feely stuff? We like the truth. A little constructive criticism is healthy in a relationship, but too much can be very damaging.
You'll upset and alienate your beloved if you consistently point out their shortcomings. If the romance is new, constant nitpicking is extremely annoying and unattractive. So curb the sarcasm and offer up compliments if you want them to fall into your arms. Flowers, coyness, giggling, flirtation and frilly things that look pretty on the dresser are romantic. It's safe to say that an INTJ did not make this rule. For the rest of the world, the non-practical stuff is half the fun of a relationship. Luckily, you are intuitive when it comes to the people you care about.
You are skilled at designing romantic getaways and thoughtful gifts that are somehow quirky, yet exactly what the other person wants to receive. Just don't bother with the flirting. Your partner will think that you're constipated. You change the oil in your car because you don't take its smooth running for granted.
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Neither should you take your date or partner for granted. All relationships need regular servicing and care. Take advantage of the special position you occupy and enjoy adding pleasure to your significant other's life. Even if they don't reciprocate, your life will be so much richer with all that lovely romance swooshing round.
How has romance fuelled the flames in your relationship? Feel free to share any successes or horror stories in the comments below!
7 Things I Learned While Dating As An INTJ
Jayne is a freelance copywriter, business writing blogger and the blog editor here at Truity. One part word nerd, two parts skeptic, she helps writing-challenged clients discover the amazing power of words on a page. Find Jayne at White Rose Copywriting. That is a problem I have the same one.
You are probably a fairly young INTJ. I acted like you before.
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- 7 Things I Learned While Dating As An INTJ (INTJ) - Life Reaction?
Now a few relationships later, I go straight for the kill. If I ever start to chat with a guy, I ask him to coffee after 1 week so I can know if we are compatible right the way. If yes, I will continue to see him.
If not, I move on to the next potential date. I also understand girls want to wait for guys to make the first move. This is why I chatted with an INTJ guy for over 6 weeks but he never asked me out, except to a group discussion after 4 weeks. Thanks for the great article, Jayne. The more I learn about my INTJ personality type, the more I wonder how I ever attracted a wife in the first place, let alone kept her for over 37 years so far. Unfortunately, I am about as romantic as a cactus and continually struggle in that area. It only recently occurred to me that being more kind, sensitive, and loving are so difficult because such things go against my very nature.
As a wife of an INTJ- I can tell you, we notice how difficult it is and we appreciate your efforts even more: I can totally relate! I'm one of the rare INTJ women of this world.
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